Breaded Fish and Chips

Or: “How to bag a British girl for life”

(As pork pies are kryptonite to British men, so is fish and chips the one bona fide weakness of British women)

Ready in: 45 minutes

Multi-tasking level: Medium-high, but worth it

Feeds: 4

I’m using haddock here because I’m cooking for traditionalists. Cod
is also traditional. There’s really cheap white fish out there if you just go
to the counter and ask
what’s good
Alter according to hunger
If you object to paying for breadcrumbs, literally put your stale bread
in a blender
. If it’s not too old, grill it in the oven first to make it
crumbly. Panko are Japanese breadcrumbs- they’re the best (absorb the least
oil, making everything crispy) but also the most expensive.  Weigh up your priorities.
I use light mayo because I’m a girl and therefore like to trick
myself into thinking mayo isn’t just oil and more oil
Capers are delicious. Keep them in your fridge. The jar is pricey,
but will last for months, even a year
I’m using petit pois because I’m a fancy French lady (NB: Not
actually French, but still super-fancy)

                                             Total: £8.22

                                              Or, £2.05 each

Frying pan for fish



Saucepan for boiling potatoes
Saucepan for peas (can be the same one, frankly)
Roasting dish for chips
Small bowl and spoon for tartar sauce
3 small plates/bowls/upturned pan lids for Fish
Par boil the chips
Scrub the potatoes but leave the skins on
(unless you’re a wuss) and cut them into nice thin chips– this will cut down on
cooking time and avoid the dreaded so-chunky-it’s-basically-a-baked-potato chip
Boil for 10 minutes to soften them up a bit
Once they’re on the boil, preheat the oven to 205 C. Stick a roasting dish inside with a thin but even covering of
oil on the bottom- enough that you can see it move when you tilt it
Optional: put a whole, unpeeled clove of garlic
in the oil.
Makes the chips slightly garlicy, without the risk of disgusting
burned stuff.
2.       Chips in oven
Drain the potatoes and pat with kitchen towel to
get some of the water off
. Note the delicious slimy starch- this is what’s
going to make the chips crunchy
Shove the chips in the pre-warmed oily roasting
dish. Take out the garlic now, if you put some in- remember that if chips are
on top of each other they will take ages to cook- spread them out. Start making
sauce now
Every 10 minutes, take them out and move them
around with a spatula. Don’t worry if they break up, this will make them
crunchier. Sprinkle with salt after 10 minutes. Start prepping the fish now
(we’re not making the mayo. Shop-bought mayo is just fine.)
Put 3 tablespoons of mayo in a bowl
Chop up 1 tablespoon of capers as finely as you
and put them in
Add a squeeze of lemon. If you want it to taste
homely and familiar, add a teaspoon of sugar
Mix together
Make Fish
In three separate small bowls, plates or
upturned lids, put
3 tablespoons flour
1 beaten egg
4 tablespoons breadcrumbs
Get out your frozen peas and put the appropriate
amount in a separate saucepan
Golden brown, textured like fish
Put 4 tbsp oil in a frying pan on the hob on a
medium-high heat until it shimmers like a woofter vampire
In your saucepan, put boiling water on the peas
and put them on medium-high heat
Dip your fish in all three atrocities in order until you’re
cursing yourself for not using larger lids and cursing the fish for causing you
It is difficult for me to convey how large that plate, and thus this portion, is
Fish for this recipe is traditionally battered and deep fat fried.
Note that we breaded and panfried.
This version has two major benefits:
1) Deep fat friers take up a lot of space and cannot be used effectively while drinking
2) This version will not make your date complain that she feels fat

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